Monday, August 18, 2014

This Dad Did Not Protect His Daughter - Learn From This Tragic Story

PART TWO OF TWO
Terrible things happen to a girl or young woman when she feels unprotected by her father. I will tell you of a close friend and his little sister. Both are in their 50s now. They were the last two of five kids. An older sibling had become seriously ill as an infant. He lived with constant pain, and was unable to move, until he died at the age of 8.

Things like this have an effect on people. Years later this father struggled with health challenges. Life happens, and work and other difficulties combined to wear out this otherwise good and faithful father. The last two kids pretty much raised themselves. The mother came from a rather stoic family, where emotions go unexpressed and funerals are attended without a tear. There were no expressions of love in the home, but somehow my friend, as a young man, knew he was loved. His little sister did not. She needed desperately to hear "I love you". But she never heard it.

My friend appreciated the lack of a curfew. But his little sister was smarter. They both needed a curfew, but only she knew it. She was strong-willed and stubborn, and she would have fought it hard. but she desperately needed rules. So she imposed one on herself. My friend's little sister actually lied to her friends, making up a curfew so her friends and her dates would think that someone at home cared about her.

These two siblings were taught at church to avoid dating until age 16, and then only to double-date till 18. My friend's little sister was dating at 13. And at this tender age her date - who was 18 at the time - overcorrected on the freeway, and hit a concrete abutment. The little girl's nose and jaw were broken, and she was nearly killed.

My friend's little sister needed to see some kind of reaction from her father. Though it was far too late to avoid the accident, she needed to see her Dad try  to defend her. But the young man that nearly killed her was never invited to visit with Dad and explain. No outraged phone calls were made. No conversation with the boy's parents.

Silence.

Her father had seen to the financial details. There was an insurance settlement, and money was set aside for a medical procedure that would be better performed when she was a few years older. But when my friend's sister turned 18, the money was released to her. Did she get the procedure? No, she bought a sports car.

My friend's father should have known better. He was older and wiser, and he should have understood the doctor's advice better than she could at her young age. Despite her strong objections, he should have made sure she received the medical procedure.

But his little girl was strong-willed, and he was a tired father. The car was bought, and the needed procedure was never done. Years later, when it was too late, and the opportunity was gone, the predicted pain emerged. Now in her 50s she struggles with constant pain in her head and jaw; pain that will never go away.

Perhaps even worse, though she has a great marriage, and they raised two fine sons, she suffers - not only from pain - but from deep depression.

Depression is to be expected in such a case. Even without the constant pain from the car accident, she would have needed a lot of counseling. Girls that grow up feeling unloved and unprotected by their Dads often do, and many fight strong feelings of depression1.

A tragic story that need not be repeated. Dads, love your daughters. Tell them you love them. Fight to protect them. And make sure they see you do it. Your daughter may be embarrassed. She may object. She may get angry with you. But make sure she knows you love her enough to be tough for her. She needs it. And even if she says otherwise, she wants it.

It's your hat. It fits only your head. She made it that way. Wear it with pride.


1Dr. Meg Meeker, author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters

To Your Daughter Your "Dad Hat" Fits Only You

Fathers - You have a larger impact on your daughter than you likely know.

PART ONE OF TWO
Fathers, you have a profound influence on your daughter. Whether playing games, asking about her latest date, or helping her with her math, you are influencing your daughter. And that influence is critically important for her.

Study Finding: When you are involved in day-to-day activities, your daughter is more likely to confide in you and seek your emotional support.1

I'm just like any other Dad; my kids see me at my best, and they see me at my worst. And yet, today, my 18-year-old daughter told me that it's all my fault if she never marries. It's my fault because she'll never find a guy like me (her Dad).

Three things about that comment:
1) I'm thinking that's OK - don't marry a guy like me; marry someone better.
2) She didn't mean it literally; she was giving me a great compliment.
3) She's wrong. And that's the point of this message.

One more thing:
What's going on between the ears of a daughter is a complete mystery to her Dad. I don't recall what little household chore she and I were engaged in at the time, but her compliment was completely out of context, and was as unexpected as if she had told me she was trying out for the football team (this daughter is a dancer; she does not play ball of any sort).

The point is simple. We fathers will never know what they're thinking, or what they're going to say next. But we must never forget that our daughters want and need to look up to us - their fathers. Daughters reserve a special place in their heart for their Dad, and no one else can fill it.

When wearing your "work hat", or your "community hat" or your "friend" or "golf buddy hat" you can be replaced. But to your daughter your "Dad Hat" fits only you. Someone else may wear it, and may do an admirable job, but your Dad Hat will never fit him quite like it does you.

Your daughter will be aware of your faults. But she has a deep need to love and admire you. And she will - despite your faults - if you do two things:
1) Be an honorable person.
2) Protect and defend her - visibly.

In my next post I will tell a tragic story of someone I know well. Tragic because a little girl was not defended by her Dad.


1Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (1990) cited by Dr. Meg Meeker, author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters

Friday, August 8, 2014

Teaching Kids to Cope with Disappointment

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
     A bad golfer goes,      WHACK!    DANG!
     A bad skydiver goes, DANG!       WHACK!

Accidents. They happen quickly, don't they? Blink your eyes, and a finger is cut, a toe is stubbed, a car is wrecked, or a life is permanently altered - or taken. If only I could do those 8 seconds over again... 

Last night my college-age daughter - a beautiful person - dropped her iPhone on the tile bathroom floor. I was just getting ready for bed, when I heard the weeping and wailing. It was a new phone, and a case had been ordered, received the day before, and not installed. She didn't like it, and was going to return it and get another. So the phone was not in a protective case.

The phone still works. A credit to Apple Engineers. But the glass is shattered, and the case is broken. It's really not usable. So the brand new iPhone is totaled. Disappointing? You bet! Expensive to replace? A relative question. To my daughter who's in the middle of a nursing program, yes it is expensive.

Her mourning was a bit out of proportion, considering the gravity of accidents others face (like bad skydivers). I need to teach her - and the whole family - an important lesson. Here's a thumbnail of what I'm going to teach them:

This is something I've recently re-learned from a brilliant teacher, Doug Andrew: In life we accumulate 3 types of assets:
1) Foundational

  • Family and Relationships
  • Health
  • Values & Beliefs
  • Character

2) Intellectual

  • Knowledge & Experience (when mixed with contemplation = Wisdom
  • Talents & Skills
  • Ideas
  • Traditions
  • Methods & Systems

3) Financial

  • Everything that accountants measure on a balance sheet
  • Material goods
So here's the question: If you had to bankrupt one category of assets, which would you choose?

The best choice is Financial, for two reasons:
1) They're the only assets that you can't take with you at the end of life.
2) You can use the other two to recover and rebuild financial assets. 

My daughter's broken cell phone is in the 3rd category. Regrettable? Yes. Expensive to replace? Yes. Is there something we can learn so this never happens again? Yes. But at the end of the day, cell phones are things. And things are replaceable. 

Final point: In such moments, we can think of people we know who had a major loss in one of the other two categories. And be grateful.





Thursday, July 31, 2014

Stop Buying Deodorant! (no offense)

Why - and How to Live Without Antiperspirants or Deodorants - Without Offense

I gave up on antiperspirants years ago when I learned that we absorb through our skin a percentage of the aluminum we smear on. Aluminum makes great kitchen foil and engine blocks that weigh less than iron, but aluminum is not known to be a good thing to ingest:

1) Aluminum is not a nutrient. Our bodies don't need it.
2) Aluminum testing with animals demonstrate a link to nervous system health.
3) While it's controversial, and the jury is still out, many people think there is a link between aluminum ingestion and Alzheimer's and Parkinson's Disease.
4) Human skin is porous, and tiny percentages of the aluminum we smear onto our armpits are absorbed. Daily use for years can imply a lot of ingested aluminum.
5) When shirts (and undershirts) get yellow in the armpit, it's because of the aluminum in antiperspirants.
6) I have developed some horrible allergies to chemicals (necessity really is the mother of invention).

That said, I'm not a fan of body odor, so I have been using deodorants (not antiperspirants) for years. Sadly, after using any given brand for a few weeks, I develop hives and edema. So I try a different brand, and after a few weeks, hives and edema again. I even tried so-called "Natural" deodorants. Still, hives and edema.

Enough of that!

So I researched and discovered that body odor doesn't come directly from sweat; it's caused by bacteria that are attracted to the sweat. So for a couple weeks I tried smearing on Neosporin. It kills bacteria, and it worked. But Neosporin is oily. No wonder my shirts developed oil stains in the pits.

Back to the drawing board...

So here's what I use now, and it's been awesome! It's so obvious, I wonder why I didn't think of it years ago. drum roll please...

After showering with anti-bacterial deodorant soap (I use Safeguard), I dry off, and then I dampen a bar of the same soap, and smear it onto my pits. That's it. Safeguard kills bacteria. It looks like deodorant when it goes on. My shirts don't get marked in the pits. I save $$ on deodorants. No aluminum. No rash. No hives. No edema. And I don't get body odor! The easiest solutions are sometimes the healthiest and cheapest!

Links for more information:
http://www.atsdr.cdc.gov/toxfaqs/TF.asp?id=190&tid=34
http://www.globalhealingcenter.com/natural-health/concerned-about-aluminum-dangers/
http://www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/features/antiperspirant-facts-safety

What is your experience? Share it with us!